I don't deserve this and other sh*t I tell myself
Two weeks ago I wrote a blog about goal setting. I offered you each the chance to have your goals written by me and I had an amazing response. I wrote out over 200 goals for more than 70 people - it was awesome! I felt so privileged that you were comfortable enough to let me in on what you are working on. I was inspired!
As I finally took the time to set my own goals, I felt some familiar pesky habits popping up. I began to feel silly for thinking that I could get all of these things! After all, what makes me so special? Why should I get everything I want when there so many people struggling? Why should I be happy when there is so much sadness in the world?
I remember when I was 14 and named captain of my state netball team. I was so overjoyed that I got to have this honour. To me, it was like winning the lottery. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. But when I got home that night, I felt so sad. I felt so guilty that I was given so much good when others don’t get to experience it. I didn’t feel like I deserved it.
Do you struggle with feeling like you deserve the good things in life? Do you tell yourself stories like ‘no one gets everything they want’? Or do you simply find it easier playing the best supporting role, because you don’t see yourself as the star? Even in your own damn life?!
When I start feeling unworthy of the things I truly want, I refer to one of my favourite quotes from Emma Watson’s speech to the UN:
We are all capable of incredible things. But we are also our own biggest obstacle.
Once we overcome our barrier to believing that we don’t deserve the best, we become open to what it is we truly want and start moving towards it.
We must stop telling ourselves that we’re not good enough, smart enough or pretty enough. Or we’re too old, too you young or too lazy. Stop looking for reasons why you can't do things and start looking for the one reason you can. Start disputing your thoughts. Don’t take them as gospel – they can be changed.
One of the things I want to work on is my health/fitness/body. I have so many untrue stories that are ingrained into my head around this. The stories I keep telling myself are:
- You have to basically starve yourself to lose weight
- You have to flog yourself with exercise to lose weight
- You can’t eat anything you want
- If you have a great body you will think you’re so good.
- It’s too hard
- You never stick to it. Why would you stick to it now?
- Why should you have a good body?
This internal dialogue is not helpful AT ALL! It is so ingrained in me that I need to make a conscious choice to stop listening to the stories. I have to change them in the moment.
Because seriously, when you read each of them back they are all complete crap! They’re simply not true.
Where can you call ‘bullshit’ on yourself? What stories have you always believed about yourself that are Just. Not. True?
Once I start believing that I deserve to be happy, that I deserve to look and feel great, and that I am worthy of all the good that comes to me - I feel like I can do anything! The obstacles move out of the way and I finally stop thinking and start doing.
And really, why shouldn’t I be happy?
Oftentimes, we only believe that we deserve things when we work hard for them. This makes it easier to believe the story that we are worthy of them. If that is going to help you believe positive things about yourself, then by all means work hard. I certainly believe that effort and action is required to get the life you want, but I don’t believe it has to be hard work. It can be fun! It might not feel like work at all sometimes. And yeah, there are times that it is bloody hard work. But don’t subscribe to the story that the ONLY way to get what you want is by burning yourself out.
Similarly, the people that we look up to are no different to you and I. In my experience, the only difference is that more people know who they are! And we’re only told the good things about them. If someone shone a light on you and told the world about the great things you do, everyone would start thinking you’re pretty damn amazing too! I’ve no doubt about it.
Where you can you change your story? Why don’t you think you deserve what you want? Where are you holding yourself back?
Remember, if you are sad it does not make others happy. But, if you feel good you can easily pass this on. Our attitude is contagious. Try smiling at someone – see how many people catch that and smile back at you! In my opinion, being happy is the best thing you can do for the world. If there is more love, compassion and kindness it will benefit everyone. And we are all much nicer when we’re happy, aren’t we?
Marianne Williamson puts it best in her famous quote from ‘Return to Love’:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.